Some days are just harder than others

I went to see Dr. Bundren today for my annual exam. I just wanted to get on BCs so I could schedule my crazy period around an upcoming vacation, but had to go into the office first.

I was emotional pulling into my work parking lot this morning. I was anxious later leaving for my appointment with Dr. B. Just knowing I had to go back there gets me upset. I didn't cry...not yet...I just dreaded going.

I got there and waited practically naked for over an hour. I read a magazine and played with my phone trying to be patient--thinking of the girls in the other rooms. What if one of them was dealing with bad news like I've had to do in the past? Still it was a long wait. Just before I was about to put my clothes on and walk out of there, the doctor came in.

I'll spare you the details, but basically I was given an Rx to take every night...the Metformin I'm supposed to be taking all along but don't. No BCs, but he suggested I get on the IUD??? We'll see about that...I've heard horror stories.

It was good seeing Dr. B and the ladies there, but just draws up so many bad memories that it's hard on me emotionally. Anyway, I'll dry my pathetic tears, put my big girl panties on and deal with it. Some days are just harder than others.

We Are Adopting!

Well we were pregnant last summer. Long story short, it ended in a DNC August 6, 2010. I was 11 weeks, but the baby didn't make it past 5 weeks.

There were quite a few ups and downs, but the ups were wonderful. Hearing all the congratulations from everyone...having a baby growing in my belly...the joy! Even though it ended in sadness, I will never forget what it felt like to have what I wanted for a short period of time. I'm so happy we went through our short, little pregnancy just to know how that felt and not to envy anyone ever again. Life goes on...

Which brings me to the real reason I'm blogging today...We are adopting!! We're trying to anyway. We just turned in our application this past Saturday to adopt through Catholic Charities. So here we go on to the next phase of our journey.

Real quick. I know this will sound crazy, but I just want to drop to my knees and thank God for everything we've been though the past 4 years. Yes, I said that! Thank you, God, for everything that's happened to us. Even though it left us financially strapped for a bit and heartbroken, the silver lining is that my husband and I are closer than ever. At least I feel we are. I love him so much and don't want to be anywhere else with any one else in this world. He is amazing! I don't know how I could have gotten through it without him. I look forward to our future as parents and feel God really does know best. Luis & I are closer now and will be better parents than we would have been 4 years ago.

So that's it for now. Too much has happened since my last blog to try to catch up. :o)

I got stuck

I got stuck this morning. Now I have to wait until 4:00 to get our test results. This waiting could make a person go crazy!!

I'm at work and trying to stay focused and busy, but it's not so easy to do when the biggest news of your life (potentially) is coming just around the corner. C'MON 4 O'CLOCK!!!

I was up this morning from 3:00 til 5:00 freaking out. I woke Pino up crying. It's so hard to stay positive these last 24 hours. I think I hit bottom last night. I haven't cried much this time around until then. I was quickly on my way back up to good, though, just needed to let it out I guess. I got up and did a little research, made myself feel better, then was back to bed...blink, blink...I couldn't sleep. Why is it that when you can't sleep during the night...as soon as your alarm starts going off in the morning...you can magically sleep again?! That was me.

Just want to put this out there. No matter the outcome of today's test, Pino & I are okay. We will be fine. Not to be a downer, but you kinda get used to hearing bad news so we have pretty thick skin to it really. But since this isn't going to be bad news :o)...then we'll definitely be okay!!!

Also want to thank everyone for all the thoughts and prayers. You have all been such wonderful friends to us and we love and appreciate you more than we can say!!!

One more day

Tomorrow is our big pregnancy test day! It seems like it's taken forever to get here. I'm sure today will be a long day. I have pregnancy symptoms, but I'm on nightly progesterone shots too, so my symptoms could be because of those. My friend, Jen, though didn't have any symptoms post IVF and she got her BFP (that's big fat positive). I do, so I'm really hopeful we're preggers!

It's been an interesting 2 weeks. It started with the egg retrieval...did they mature/fertilize/make it past a couple of days? Then the transfer...lying on my back for 3 days and hoping the egg implants. Then the progesterone check which led to no change in our nightly dose. Now the next step is the pregnancy blood test.

Saturday my defense mechanism set in. I started planning for Plan B (heh--more like plan L or MNOP). What will we do if this doesn't work? Why am I even thinking this way? Do negative thought affect the outcome? Then the fantasy sets in. No, I AM pregnant. I can't wait to hold him, her, them. I wonder what kind of nursery we'll have. Dreams of nightly feedings, baths, onesies, pjs, runny noses, cars when they're 16, college education. It's amazing how far I've taken it, but I must admit I enjoy this part..the fantasy. It's hopeful. For one more day, I get to hope that I am pregnant and that we will have the family soon we've wanted for 3 & a half years now--really our whole lives I guess. A part of me wants to push back the time the nurse calls us with the results on the chance that the test comes back negative.

The way I physically feel, though, I'll be shocked if it comes back negative. I realize a lot of women have pregnancy symptoms that are psychological. You want it so bad you read into anything. I really do feel pregnant though. I'm expecting a positive, but it's kind of hard to go there 100% when I'm so used to getting a negative. Just so you know, if it is positive every single one of you will hear the cry heard round the world!! I will be so ecstatic I won't be able to contain myself!!!

Please keep praying. We're almost there!

1 week wait

I haven't blogged about a lot that's been going on recently, because it's hard to keep up really. A lot has gone on in a short period of time.

We had our final ultrasound which determined that we would (and did) go for egg retrieval the Wednesday of last week not Thursday. Our appointment Wednesday was at 8:30 in the morning, so Luis got us a hotel in Oklahoma City (OKC) for the night before.

We were funny trying to get to OKC. We stopped less than a mile from our house to eat dinner, then we stopped to go potty and grab change for the tolls. I forget to grab change, so we stopped yet again to get change then we got on the turnpike going the wrong way. We didn't get to OKC until after dark where we still tried to park without a pass. It's not like we could go to clubs or get out and walk all over Bricktown when we got there, so in a way getting their late took away any temptations. Memories.

We showed up for egg retrieval Wednesday morning and were ready to go. I'd taken my antibiotics beforehand like I thought I was supposed to. It made me nauseous so I ate 2 small bites of English muffin so I wouldn't vomit. The anesthesiologist was less than happy. He wanted to cancel the procedure!! Did you know that? I mean I've had procedures before...this isn't my first rodeo...I guess I didn't understand the risks involved with eating anything before going under. The nurse told him we were not canceling, so he proceeded to knock me out and pump my stomach. Of course I didn't feel it then, but the next day my neck felt like I'd been in a car wreck.

What started out bad Wednesday, however, ended good. While coming out of anesthesia, the doctor informed us he retrieved 6 eggs--5 were good!! Yes, in the beginning I wanted 15, but the way things played out, I was more than happy with 5. I felt really good afterwards. Luis & I even went to a nice sit-down lunch at a restaurant before driving back to Tulsa. I took a 3 hour nap and went back to work the next day.

Thursday is when the ride continued. They updated us that 2 good eggs fertilized. Woohoo!!!!!!! Last time we did IVF, we only had 1 mutant fertilized egg on day 2, so we were already ahead. We just held our breath til the next update on Friday. Would 2 other eggs which matured late also fertilize? Would we transfer the fertilized egg back to me on Saturday or Monday? Friday they phoned us to say we would transfer on Saturday.

This time to OKC, we didn't go early to stay the night because we knew we were staying there Saturday night and we have 2 dog kids to consider. We got up early Saturday morning and drove down. The transfer is noninvasive, so I didn't need much rest going in. It's as bad as a pap. We were the only patients there. Luis and the doctor talked about soccer and the World Cup. I took half my clothes off and got comfortable. Pino put scrubs on and I was rolled back into the same room where they did the retrieval--Pino walked back in his new digs.

Odd, but we discussed geography, raffles, and the eggs too. It was pretty casual with a pause when nurse Karen brought in the 3 fertilized eggs. Then we were back to conversation. I stayed in their office for over an hour with my feet up. Karen wheeled me down to our room. We stayed in the hospital's hotel which was okay overnight. Pino drove us home the next morning while I laid as flat as possible in the passenger seat.

I was on my back for 3 days. I sleep on my side, so staying on my back wasn't comfortable but if they said sleeping on my head would get me pregnant, I would!

We're still doing nightly shots of progesterone. We have an appointment Thursday to check my level of progesterone. Really after that the next step is the pregnancy test! The doctor's office will do a blood test. I am not peeing on a stick. I don't trust those things! Next after that I guess is hearing the heartbeat, then 1st trimester, then well let's not get ahead of ourselves.

So that's the lengthy update. Thank you to everyone who's texted, emailed, called, etc. during this process. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated so much!

As usual, PLEASE keep praying for us! It's all we can do now--pray, hope, be thankful, and think fertile.

We are getting close to retrieval day

So the down side to this roller coaster is that my right side is not responding as well as my left. That means all the eggs on my right side could be worthless compared to the 4 good ones on my left side!! That's the up side :o). All you need is one. I keep teasing my doctor that all I need is 15. I'm kidding! I'll take one. I just want twins and one can split ;o). Kidding again. We will seriously be happy with one...

Because of Saturday's ultrasound, they doubled my dose to help move things along. They might even move our retrieval from Wednesday to Thursday to give us more time for stimulation. Today I have the final ultrasound at noon. We'll know more then. Hopefully both sides are responding well and we'll be back to 10+ eggs.

Luis is out of town. He left yesterday morning at 7:00 to go to Austin, TX for work. He should be back in town tonight to give me the trigger shot (assuming Wednesday is still our day). If not, my neighbor across the street is a nurse, so I'll go knock on her door.

I'm on antibiotics now. No shots in the morning. We're on the downhill ride now. Not having those morning shots was a milestone. Things are a little easier now.

My ovaries feel large. My pants are tight. I mostly wear dresses right now. I sleep all the time...well that's kinda me anyway, but more so now. My hour naps are now 2 hours and I can't wait to get into bed at night. I basically get an extra month of pregnancy ;o).

Wish me luck on my ultrasound today!

Ride the roller coaster...

The roller coaster is off! Yesterday we went in for our first ultrasound. We had 10 follicles! I'm so happy and excited. If we had 20, would I be happier? Yes, but we have 10 and that's awesome!! Follicles can contain eggs...so we could have 10 eggs. We will have another ultrasound tomorrow, then another one on Monday. Last time we did IVF, with each ultrasound the count got higher...so I'm hoping for more than 15 follicles by Monday. Say a prayer!

It was so nice having Luis at the ultrasound yesterday. He asks good questions and that makes me feel like he is in this with me and he cares. It's easy to feel alone during this, because I'm taking 3 shots a day plus pills and let's not even mention the mood swings...all while my husband goes on business trips, plays football, and plays PlayStation. So having him there at the appointments really takes away a lot of the loneliness. Thanks, Pino!

Our ultrasound is at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I'll have to post how many follicles we have then. I hope it's more! I hope. I hope.