Some days are just harder than others

I went to see Dr. Bundren today for my annual exam. I just wanted to get on BCs so I could schedule my crazy period around an upcoming vacation, but had to go into the office first.

I was emotional pulling into my work parking lot this morning. I was anxious later leaving for my appointment with Dr. B. Just knowing I had to go back there gets me upset. I didn't cry...not yet...I just dreaded going.

I got there and waited practically naked for over an hour. I read a magazine and played with my phone trying to be patient--thinking of the girls in the other rooms. What if one of them was dealing with bad news like I've had to do in the past? Still it was a long wait. Just before I was about to put my clothes on and walk out of there, the doctor came in.

I'll spare you the details, but basically I was given an Rx to take every night...the Metformin I'm supposed to be taking all along but don't. No BCs, but he suggested I get on the IUD??? We'll see about that...I've heard horror stories.

It was good seeing Dr. B and the ladies there, but just draws up so many bad memories that it's hard on me emotionally. Anyway, I'll dry my pathetic tears, put my big girl panties on and deal with it. Some days are just harder than others.

We Are Adopting!

Well we were pregnant last summer. Long story short, it ended in a DNC August 6, 2010. I was 11 weeks, but the baby didn't make it past 5 weeks.

There were quite a few ups and downs, but the ups were wonderful. Hearing all the congratulations from everyone...having a baby growing in my belly...the joy! Even though it ended in sadness, I will never forget what it felt like to have what I wanted for a short period of time. I'm so happy we went through our short, little pregnancy just to know how that felt and not to envy anyone ever again. Life goes on...

Which brings me to the real reason I'm blogging today...We are adopting!! We're trying to anyway. We just turned in our application this past Saturday to adopt through Catholic Charities. So here we go on to the next phase of our journey.

Real quick. I know this will sound crazy, but I just want to drop to my knees and thank God for everything we've been though the past 4 years. Yes, I said that! Thank you, God, for everything that's happened to us. Even though it left us financially strapped for a bit and heartbroken, the silver lining is that my husband and I are closer than ever. At least I feel we are. I love him so much and don't want to be anywhere else with any one else in this world. He is amazing! I don't know how I could have gotten through it without him. I look forward to our future as parents and feel God really does know best. Luis & I are closer now and will be better parents than we would have been 4 years ago.

So that's it for now. Too much has happened since my last blog to try to catch up. :o)

I got stuck

I got stuck this morning. Now I have to wait until 4:00 to get our test results. This waiting could make a person go crazy!!

I'm at work and trying to stay focused and busy, but it's not so easy to do when the biggest news of your life (potentially) is coming just around the corner. C'MON 4 O'CLOCK!!!

I was up this morning from 3:00 til 5:00 freaking out. I woke Pino up crying. It's so hard to stay positive these last 24 hours. I think I hit bottom last night. I haven't cried much this time around until then. I was quickly on my way back up to good, though, just needed to let it out I guess. I got up and did a little research, made myself feel better, then was back to bed...blink, blink...I couldn't sleep. Why is it that when you can't sleep during the night...as soon as your alarm starts going off in the morning...you can magically sleep again?! That was me.

Just want to put this out there. No matter the outcome of today's test, Pino & I are okay. We will be fine. Not to be a downer, but you kinda get used to hearing bad news so we have pretty thick skin to it really. But since this isn't going to be bad news :o)...then we'll definitely be okay!!!

Also want to thank everyone for all the thoughts and prayers. You have all been such wonderful friends to us and we love and appreciate you more than we can say!!!

One more day

Tomorrow is our big pregnancy test day! It seems like it's taken forever to get here. I'm sure today will be a long day. I have pregnancy symptoms, but I'm on nightly progesterone shots too, so my symptoms could be because of those. My friend, Jen, though didn't have any symptoms post IVF and she got her BFP (that's big fat positive). I do, so I'm really hopeful we're preggers!

It's been an interesting 2 weeks. It started with the egg retrieval...did they mature/fertilize/make it past a couple of days? Then the transfer...lying on my back for 3 days and hoping the egg implants. Then the progesterone check which led to no change in our nightly dose. Now the next step is the pregnancy blood test.

Saturday my defense mechanism set in. I started planning for Plan B (heh--more like plan L or MNOP). What will we do if this doesn't work? Why am I even thinking this way? Do negative thought affect the outcome? Then the fantasy sets in. No, I AM pregnant. I can't wait to hold him, her, them. I wonder what kind of nursery we'll have. Dreams of nightly feedings, baths, onesies, pjs, runny noses, cars when they're 16, college education. It's amazing how far I've taken it, but I must admit I enjoy this part..the fantasy. It's hopeful. For one more day, I get to hope that I am pregnant and that we will have the family soon we've wanted for 3 & a half years now--really our whole lives I guess. A part of me wants to push back the time the nurse calls us with the results on the chance that the test comes back negative.

The way I physically feel, though, I'll be shocked if it comes back negative. I realize a lot of women have pregnancy symptoms that are psychological. You want it so bad you read into anything. I really do feel pregnant though. I'm expecting a positive, but it's kind of hard to go there 100% when I'm so used to getting a negative. Just so you know, if it is positive every single one of you will hear the cry heard round the world!! I will be so ecstatic I won't be able to contain myself!!!

Please keep praying. We're almost there!

1 week wait

I haven't blogged about a lot that's been going on recently, because it's hard to keep up really. A lot has gone on in a short period of time.

We had our final ultrasound which determined that we would (and did) go for egg retrieval the Wednesday of last week not Thursday. Our appointment Wednesday was at 8:30 in the morning, so Luis got us a hotel in Oklahoma City (OKC) for the night before.

We were funny trying to get to OKC. We stopped less than a mile from our house to eat dinner, then we stopped to go potty and grab change for the tolls. I forget to grab change, so we stopped yet again to get change then we got on the turnpike going the wrong way. We didn't get to OKC until after dark where we still tried to park without a pass. It's not like we could go to clubs or get out and walk all over Bricktown when we got there, so in a way getting their late took away any temptations. Memories.

We showed up for egg retrieval Wednesday morning and were ready to go. I'd taken my antibiotics beforehand like I thought I was supposed to. It made me nauseous so I ate 2 small bites of English muffin so I wouldn't vomit. The anesthesiologist was less than happy. He wanted to cancel the procedure!! Did you know that? I mean I've had procedures before...this isn't my first rodeo...I guess I didn't understand the risks involved with eating anything before going under. The nurse told him we were not canceling, so he proceeded to knock me out and pump my stomach. Of course I didn't feel it then, but the next day my neck felt like I'd been in a car wreck.

What started out bad Wednesday, however, ended good. While coming out of anesthesia, the doctor informed us he retrieved 6 eggs--5 were good!! Yes, in the beginning I wanted 15, but the way things played out, I was more than happy with 5. I felt really good afterwards. Luis & I even went to a nice sit-down lunch at a restaurant before driving back to Tulsa. I took a 3 hour nap and went back to work the next day.

Thursday is when the ride continued. They updated us that 2 good eggs fertilized. Woohoo!!!!!!! Last time we did IVF, we only had 1 mutant fertilized egg on day 2, so we were already ahead. We just held our breath til the next update on Friday. Would 2 other eggs which matured late also fertilize? Would we transfer the fertilized egg back to me on Saturday or Monday? Friday they phoned us to say we would transfer on Saturday.

This time to OKC, we didn't go early to stay the night because we knew we were staying there Saturday night and we have 2 dog kids to consider. We got up early Saturday morning and drove down. The transfer is noninvasive, so I didn't need much rest going in. It's as bad as a pap. We were the only patients there. Luis and the doctor talked about soccer and the World Cup. I took half my clothes off and got comfortable. Pino put scrubs on and I was rolled back into the same room where they did the retrieval--Pino walked back in his new digs.

Odd, but we discussed geography, raffles, and the eggs too. It was pretty casual with a pause when nurse Karen brought in the 3 fertilized eggs. Then we were back to conversation. I stayed in their office for over an hour with my feet up. Karen wheeled me down to our room. We stayed in the hospital's hotel which was okay overnight. Pino drove us home the next morning while I laid as flat as possible in the passenger seat.

I was on my back for 3 days. I sleep on my side, so staying on my back wasn't comfortable but if they said sleeping on my head would get me pregnant, I would!

We're still doing nightly shots of progesterone. We have an appointment Thursday to check my level of progesterone. Really after that the next step is the pregnancy test! The doctor's office will do a blood test. I am not peeing on a stick. I don't trust those things! Next after that I guess is hearing the heartbeat, then 1st trimester, then well let's not get ahead of ourselves.

So that's the lengthy update. Thank you to everyone who's texted, emailed, called, etc. during this process. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated so much!

As usual, PLEASE keep praying for us! It's all we can do now--pray, hope, be thankful, and think fertile.

We are getting close to retrieval day

So the down side to this roller coaster is that my right side is not responding as well as my left. That means all the eggs on my right side could be worthless compared to the 4 good ones on my left side!! That's the up side :o). All you need is one. I keep teasing my doctor that all I need is 15. I'm kidding! I'll take one. I just want twins and one can split ;o). Kidding again. We will seriously be happy with one...

Because of Saturday's ultrasound, they doubled my dose to help move things along. They might even move our retrieval from Wednesday to Thursday to give us more time for stimulation. Today I have the final ultrasound at noon. We'll know more then. Hopefully both sides are responding well and we'll be back to 10+ eggs.

Luis is out of town. He left yesterday morning at 7:00 to go to Austin, TX for work. He should be back in town tonight to give me the trigger shot (assuming Wednesday is still our day). If not, my neighbor across the street is a nurse, so I'll go knock on her door.

I'm on antibiotics now. No shots in the morning. We're on the downhill ride now. Not having those morning shots was a milestone. Things are a little easier now.

My ovaries feel large. My pants are tight. I mostly wear dresses right now. I sleep all the time...well that's kinda me anyway, but more so now. My hour naps are now 2 hours and I can't wait to get into bed at night. I basically get an extra month of pregnancy ;o).

Wish me luck on my ultrasound today!

Ride the roller coaster...

The roller coaster is off! Yesterday we went in for our first ultrasound. We had 10 follicles! I'm so happy and excited. If we had 20, would I be happier? Yes, but we have 10 and that's awesome!! Follicles can contain eggs...so we could have 10 eggs. We will have another ultrasound tomorrow, then another one on Monday. Last time we did IVF, with each ultrasound the count got higher...so I'm hoping for more than 15 follicles by Monday. Say a prayer!

It was so nice having Luis at the ultrasound yesterday. He asks good questions and that makes me feel like he is in this with me and he cares. It's easy to feel alone during this, because I'm taking 3 shots a day plus pills and let's not even mention the mood swings...all while my husband goes on business trips, plays football, and plays PlayStation. So having him there at the appointments really takes away a lot of the loneliness. Thanks, Pino!

Our ultrasound is at 8:30 tomorrow morning. I'll have to post how many follicles we have then. I hope it's more! I hope. I hope.

My meds are here.

I received my meds today. What a package. I had it delivered to work so it's not sitting in the sun at home on my porch. Most of it needs to stay cool (in the fridge). I showed some coworkers the larger progesterone needle. Haha. Let's just say they were impressed. Not a little needle. Thank God I only use this one a time or two towards the end. Then when I'm pregnant, I'll use it more AND BE HAPPY TO DO SO! :o)

This time around I'll be doing 1 shot in the morning and 2 at night Sunday 6/6 through Sunday 6/13. I'm able to give them all to myself, so Luis is free to travel for work. I'll need him or someone for one on 6/14 though...

I've been taking shots of Lupron every night for the past week and 2 days. I've had 1 hot flash and a couple headaches. No big deal. That is until Wednesday. I had a horrible day. My head hurt so bad I was nauseous plus I was super emotional. Eck. I had my suppression scan (ultrasound and blood work) that day. It was a success--my follicles are suppressed.--The nurse told me I'm allowed to take Excedrin migraine. Yay!!!!! I went straight to the pharmacy then to bed and the headache was gone. Yesterday and today have been fine...no headaches or hot flashes. I've had a couple of mood swings, but nothing major. I just remind myself it's not real. I'm not really sad...just chemicals making me feel that way.

I've sort of had a coming to Jesus lately. This whole thing is out of our hands and I'm not going to stress about it. The doctors and I can only do so much more before we close this chapter and move on to the next. Doesn't stop me from hoping the outcome is a beautiful baby of our own...Just keeps my feet on the ground and any disappointment from hitting so strong.

Anyway, here we go...

Day one down...so far so good!

Okay I don't know what I was talking about with the estrogen patches. I guess you get used to it?...because I feel pretty normal these days and I'm still using them. I started my Lupron shots last night. One down...so far so good!

I'll be on Lupron for a couple of weeks. It's the same drug that sent me into menopause a while back. The Lupron will suppress my hormones (pituitary/FSH) so that Dr. B can then shoot me full of drugs to stimulate follicle growth. He'll have more control once the Luron has shut me down.

C'mon 15+!!! That's the number of eggs I hope to retrieve June 16th. My blood work from December predicted I'd have 14, so that's what I should expect.

The needle for Lupron is small. The dose is little. Takes about 5 minutes from prep to cleanup. Not a big deal. The only thing is the meds have to stay cold, so I keep them at home. Can't carry them around on me and be just anywhere at 7 o'clock (injection time). Other than that, so far no big deal. I'm just waiting to see the effect the drug has on my moods...yikes. Anyway just a small update.

I have a good feeling this time!

Just a quick update. It's been so long I almost didn't remember my Blogger password. Yikes.

We are getting ready to do IVF again in June!!! I must say I have a good feeling about it this time. I can't explain it other than a peace that I feel about it. :)

It's amazing I feel peace about anything right now with the anxiety. Man these estrogen patches make me crazy. I feel as if I'm PMS'ing all the time. I have a migraine almost every day. I'm not enjoying this indigestion either, but it's all for the babies right? So physically I feel crappy, but emotionally I feel really good!

For now, I'm wearing an estrogen patch while taking birth control, Metformin (for my PCOS), Omega-3, and prenatal vitamins. To some it might sound kinda crazy to take birth control when you're trying to get pregnant, but don't worry. It's all for the good of the eggs and adjusting my naturally out-of-whack hormones. Beginning in June, we'll move on to the daily shots and pull out the big guns.

This will be our last attempt for our own child(ren). It's been a very hard road for us, but if this doesn't work out, then we're done trying for our own.

Please keep us in your prayers. We are already thanking God for twins!!! :)

All Good

My karaotype came back and I'm fine! My DNA is not fragmented, so we can try IVF again!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, everyone!

Luis & I had the post IVF appointment with the dr months ago. He pretty much shook his head at our case and said he didn't understand what went wrong. He thought either: A) I'm in premature menopause or B) We should try IVF again, because he can't find any reason as to why it didn't and wouldn't work.

They sent my blood off for testing to see if I am in menopause. This was just before Thanksgiving. Due to the holiday, we didn't hear back from them for a while. We even spent a week in Greece which was AMAZING, then called once we got back to find out the very good news that I am NOT in menopause! Once again the dr is just shaking his head at my case. I am an anomaly.

I think I'm happier that I'm not the 33-year-old in menopause than I am of the fact that I still might be able to have my own kiddos. I think through this process I'm slowly accepting that fact...that we might not have our own kiddos...so was more upset that I might be the only 33-year-old "granny" I know. Sorry but that's what was going through my head. I mean yes I will some day go through menopause (go through it again...drugs already made me do that in 2008), but you want to earn it and get there when you're supposed to get there.

Anyway, so I'm not in menopause but the dr wants me to take one more test--karaotype--basically DNA testing for fragments. I gave them my blood sample before New Year's. It takes 2-3 weeks, so I'll keep you posted on the outcome. If everything comes back good, then they want us to try IVF again in the Spring. Spring means tax season, so we're not going to be available to try again until June.

Pino & I haven't decided that we'll try again in June. We certainly understand it's not guaranteed and want to weigh our options before jumping in. We have time to decide and save. We might use a donor embryo or adopt. We'll see. For now, we're waiting on the karaotype test to come back before we make a decision. It's just a big expense both financially and emotionally without really understanding what went wrong the first time.

As always, please keep us in your prayers. I now have 8 girlfriends who are pregnant. The overstimulation is making me shut down. I feel nothing when I look at a pregnant woman now. Though it's a fantastic defense mechanism...it's only covering up what's really going on and what I'm sure will inevitably come out one day. Yikes.

Just Breathe

Ahhh...I'm starting to feel better emotionally, mentally, physically--all of it. We decided to take a break from all this baby stuff. We are taking our "foot" off the throttle and just slowing it down to a more reasonable pace. It's amazing how obsessive it can be and how it can take over your life if you let it! I must admit that when we were told the IVF didn't work and that we might be done trying for good there was a feeling of...relief. I mean, through all of this I wanted to know can we have kids? If the answer is no, then I am disappointed but hey that's an answer! Can I please get back to my life now? Thank you.

Before all this baby stuff, I was an avid runner. I loved caffeine, sushi, spontaneous sex, etc.--all those things went by the way side once we lost our first pregnancy and aggressively began trying to get pregnant again. I thought every month that this was going to be the month so I didn't partake in non-pregnant things--until my period started and then I would drink or run or whatever for a week at a time. Now is my chance to get all that back again--to live my life the way I enjoy living it. It's time to get our lives back in order so that we can include children in our lives when we're balanced and ready.

I signed up for a fun run next weekend. I'm looking forward to it. My knee, due to all the hormones and lack of use, isn't up for anything more than a short run so I'm just going to take it slow. I'll do a little knee rehab and hopefully some day get back into running the way I used to love it!

Having said all that, we have a doctor's appointment November 16th. It's about 2 weeks away. The appointment is to go over the doctor notes from the failed IVF attempt. I'm curious to hear what they have to say, and will make an informed decision about where we go from here after that meeting. Either way, I really need to broaden my focus to include living this life and not just putting all my energy into pregnancy.

Byebye Baby

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Here we go!

So much has happened since my last post. We've had at least 3 appointments and 3 ultrasounds. We watched as our 9 follicles grew to show there were actually 12 to grow even more to show we have 15 follicles for egg retrieval tomorrow!!!!!!!

To stimulate the follicles, I gave myself morning and evening shots followed by no more morning shots, but 2 at night. Last night Luis...yes, Luis...gave me my trigger shot of HCG. Eeeee! Here we go!

We go to Oklahoma City (OKC) tomorrow morning for egg retrieval. I'll be in one room and Luis will be in another making his "deposit". I can't wait to see how many eggs they actually retrieve. We will find out before we leave OKC tomorrow. They'll put it all together and call us Thursday to let us know how many were fertilized.

Then we wait. We go back next Monday the 12th for transfer. They'll transfer no more than 2 assuming we have 2 to transfer. If there are any other embryos at that time, then they'll freeze them for later. I'll try to keep you posted on this process.

I must say my husband has been amazing through all of this. He is my moral support and he's done a great job of it. I love you, honey!

Suppression Scan

Last Thursday I went in for the suppression scan/ultrasound. The girls were suppressed and we have 9 potential follicles!!!!! That's 9 potential eggs and 9 potential embryos!!!!! I'm expecting about 1/3 of them to actually make it to fertilized eggs...embryos...by the end of all this. That's not negative thinking...that's just how it works. Please say prayers. We want healthy embryos and then healthy babies! They'll transfer to me a maximum of 2.

Mom went with me to last Thursday's appointment. Check that. Mom went with me to half the appointment. She missed the scan, but was there for when I needed her--injection school. I'm going to be a chemist for at least the next week. I'm mixing sodium chloride gently with powdered meds and injecting them into my saddle bags daily. That's in the evening. In the mornings, I'm injecting an already mixed medication, Follistim, with which I am familiar (see previous blog). So that's 2 shots (a.m. & p.m.) until Thursday.

This coming Thursday is another ultra sound and possible dosage change...medication change. I'll have another ultrasound Saturday, then another one Monday...THEN egg retrieval the following Wednesday!!! EEeeeeee!!!!!! Now I say "I" not to exclude Pino, but because he is just moral support at this time. He's got it easy, b/c his "boys" are healthy and great!--which is a blessing...thank you, God!

Gave myself my first 7 a.m. shot this morning. It went great! No big deal...except the dosage of Follistim I'm taking this time compared to when we had our IUI it's tripled! Can't wait to feel the side effects of this. I'll keep you posted :o)

Love to everyone. We're super duper excited! C'mon October 7th, then October 12th (transfer to mommy)!!!!!!

Injection School

Thursday I go to Dr B's for my suppression scan. I'll get an ultrasound to see where my follicles are in comparison to where the doctor wants them to be--suppressed. My mother is going with me for the first time to an appointment, because Luis will be out of town and after the scan we're participating in injection school! Luis will give me the nightly injections (beginning September 27th) that I can't reach ;o). I think if another set of ears are present with me in injection school, then I won't miss as much as I know I would on my own. These appointments tend to be overwhelming. I leave wishing I'd asked more questions and taken more notes...thus Mom is going with me. Also she'll be able to teach Luis how he is to give me the shots. He does not want to do it, but I say tough titty! Try being the one getting the shots. Men.

I'm not completely informed about what the injections will be, but it is all in preparation for in vitro egg retrieval October 7th in Oklahoma City. Ideally my ovaries will produce multiple eggs to increase our chances of getting pregnant this time, and will hopefully have some left over to freeze to try again later (ideally 9 months plus later!!!!!!).

p.s. If anyone would like to donate to the Luis & Missy + fund, please contact me and I can give you my bank account number at BOK! Bahahahahahahahaha! That is funny :o) But seriously call me ;o)

Brian Cremin

One of my very best friends, Brian Cremin, passed away early yesterday morning. His girlfriend, Liz, went to wake him up and he just wouldn't wake up. She is pregnant with their first child, Tristyn Marie O'Day Cremin, expected to arrive December 21st. Brian was a very big personality with a flare of his own--one of the funniest people I've ever met! He loved words, music, and his family. He contributed to Tulsa's local music scene for many years with his talent for rap and hip hop. I miss him very much. Love you, B!

We Are Big Time Now

Looks like we are heading for in vitro. We are big time now!

We visited with Dr. B Monday about in vitro in OCTOBER!!!! We're super psyched. Why? Well it is not because it's going to cost us around $12,000 or that I will be giving myself shots again or that we have to sit on the bench for 2 month in preparation for the in vitro process. We are excited, because this IS going to work!! Keeping my eye on the prize...visualizing the goal line...expecting the best (I hear that helps in the process :o)).

Our chances greatly increase from about 7% on my own to 20% with IUI to 50+% with IVF!!!!!! We have been researching baby names...checking out nursery colors...saving as much $$$ as we possibly can, because babies are in our future. Finally I feel like we are on the right path...

The down side is that we are getting close to the end of our options. It definitely has not been an easy road to say the least. We experienced 2 miscarriages, years of disappointment, dozens of negative HPTs, buckets of tears, and $$$$ on surgery, procedure, perscriptions, hormones, and doctor visits for it all come down to the IVF process (with a few options thereafter including donor eggs; a sarogate; adoption). I am almost eager just to know one way or another...do we adopt or keep trying?

One of my best, and wise I might add, girlfriends once said God does not put this kind of desire in your heart to go unfulfilled. I have faith that we will have children. I do not always have patience, as you read in my previous blog, but I definitely have faith that our efforts and His will soon will give us the family we so badly want!

Peed on a stick. Negative again.

This is getting old. Why do we keep trying? I'm so sick of this!!!! How much rejection can one person handle?