Just Breathe

Ahhh...I'm starting to feel better emotionally, mentally, physically--all of it. We decided to take a break from all this baby stuff. We are taking our "foot" off the throttle and just slowing it down to a more reasonable pace. It's amazing how obsessive it can be and how it can take over your life if you let it! I must admit that when we were told the IVF didn't work and that we might be done trying for good there was a feeling of...relief. I mean, through all of this I wanted to know can we have kids? If the answer is no, then I am disappointed but hey that's an answer! Can I please get back to my life now? Thank you.

Before all this baby stuff, I was an avid runner. I loved caffeine, sushi, spontaneous sex, etc.--all those things went by the way side once we lost our first pregnancy and aggressively began trying to get pregnant again. I thought every month that this was going to be the month so I didn't partake in non-pregnant things--until my period started and then I would drink or run or whatever for a week at a time. Now is my chance to get all that back again--to live my life the way I enjoy living it. It's time to get our lives back in order so that we can include children in our lives when we're balanced and ready.

I signed up for a fun run next weekend. I'm looking forward to it. My knee, due to all the hormones and lack of use, isn't up for anything more than a short run so I'm just going to take it slow. I'll do a little knee rehab and hopefully some day get back into running the way I used to love it!

Having said all that, we have a doctor's appointment November 16th. It's about 2 weeks away. The appointment is to go over the doctor notes from the failed IVF attempt. I'm curious to hear what they have to say, and will make an informed decision about where we go from here after that meeting. Either way, I really need to broaden my focus to include living this life and not just putting all my energy into pregnancy.

Byebye Baby

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Here we go!

So much has happened since my last post. We've had at least 3 appointments and 3 ultrasounds. We watched as our 9 follicles grew to show there were actually 12 to grow even more to show we have 15 follicles for egg retrieval tomorrow!!!!!!!

To stimulate the follicles, I gave myself morning and evening shots followed by no more morning shots, but 2 at night. Last night Luis...yes, Luis...gave me my trigger shot of HCG. Eeeee! Here we go!

We go to Oklahoma City (OKC) tomorrow morning for egg retrieval. I'll be in one room and Luis will be in another making his "deposit". I can't wait to see how many eggs they actually retrieve. We will find out before we leave OKC tomorrow. They'll put it all together and call us Thursday to let us know how many were fertilized.

Then we wait. We go back next Monday the 12th for transfer. They'll transfer no more than 2 assuming we have 2 to transfer. If there are any other embryos at that time, then they'll freeze them for later. I'll try to keep you posted on this process.

I must say my husband has been amazing through all of this. He is my moral support and he's done a great job of it. I love you, honey!

Suppression Scan

Last Thursday I went in for the suppression scan/ultrasound. The girls were suppressed and we have 9 potential follicles!!!!! That's 9 potential eggs and 9 potential embryos!!!!! I'm expecting about 1/3 of them to actually make it to fertilized eggs...embryos...by the end of all this. That's not negative thinking...that's just how it works. Please say prayers. We want healthy embryos and then healthy babies! They'll transfer to me a maximum of 2.

Mom went with me to last Thursday's appointment. Check that. Mom went with me to half the appointment. She missed the scan, but was there for when I needed her--injection school. I'm going to be a chemist for at least the next week. I'm mixing sodium chloride gently with powdered meds and injecting them into my saddle bags daily. That's in the evening. In the mornings, I'm injecting an already mixed medication, Follistim, with which I am familiar (see previous blog). So that's 2 shots (a.m. & p.m.) until Thursday.

This coming Thursday is another ultra sound and possible dosage change...medication change. I'll have another ultrasound Saturday, then another one Monday...THEN egg retrieval the following Wednesday!!! EEeeeeee!!!!!! Now I say "I" not to exclude Pino, but because he is just moral support at this time. He's got it easy, b/c his "boys" are healthy and great!--which is a blessing...thank you, God!

Gave myself my first 7 a.m. shot this morning. It went great! No big deal...except the dosage of Follistim I'm taking this time compared to when we had our IUI it's tripled! Can't wait to feel the side effects of this. I'll keep you posted :o)

Love to everyone. We're super duper excited! C'mon October 7th, then October 12th (transfer to mommy)!!!!!!

Injection School

Thursday I go to Dr B's for my suppression scan. I'll get an ultrasound to see where my follicles are in comparison to where the doctor wants them to be--suppressed. My mother is going with me for the first time to an appointment, because Luis will be out of town and after the scan we're participating in injection school! Luis will give me the nightly injections (beginning September 27th) that I can't reach ;o). I think if another set of ears are present with me in injection school, then I won't miss as much as I know I would on my own. These appointments tend to be overwhelming. I leave wishing I'd asked more questions and taken more notes...thus Mom is going with me. Also she'll be able to teach Luis how he is to give me the shots. He does not want to do it, but I say tough titty! Try being the one getting the shots. Men.

I'm not completely informed about what the injections will be, but it is all in preparation for in vitro egg retrieval October 7th in Oklahoma City. Ideally my ovaries will produce multiple eggs to increase our chances of getting pregnant this time, and will hopefully have some left over to freeze to try again later (ideally 9 months plus later!!!!!!).

p.s. If anyone would like to donate to the Luis & Missy + fund, please contact me and I can give you my bank account number at BOK! Bahahahahahahahaha! That is funny :o) But seriously call me ;o)

Brian Cremin

One of my very best friends, Brian Cremin, passed away early yesterday morning. His girlfriend, Liz, went to wake him up and he just wouldn't wake up. She is pregnant with their first child, Tristyn Marie O'Day Cremin, expected to arrive December 21st. Brian was a very big personality with a flare of his own--one of the funniest people I've ever met! He loved words, music, and his family. He contributed to Tulsa's local music scene for many years with his talent for rap and hip hop. I miss him very much. Love you, B!

We Are Big Time Now

Looks like we are heading for in vitro. We are big time now!

We visited with Dr. B Monday about in vitro in OCTOBER!!!! We're super psyched. Why? Well it is not because it's going to cost us around $12,000 or that I will be giving myself shots again or that we have to sit on the bench for 2 month in preparation for the in vitro process. We are excited, because this IS going to work!! Keeping my eye on the prize...visualizing the goal line...expecting the best (I hear that helps in the process :o)).

Our chances greatly increase from about 7% on my own to 20% with IUI to 50+% with IVF!!!!!! We have been researching baby names...checking out nursery colors...saving as much $$$ as we possibly can, because babies are in our future. Finally I feel like we are on the right path...

The down side is that we are getting close to the end of our options. It definitely has not been an easy road to say the least. We experienced 2 miscarriages, years of disappointment, dozens of negative HPTs, buckets of tears, and $$$$ on surgery, procedure, perscriptions, hormones, and doctor visits for it all come down to the IVF process (with a few options thereafter including donor eggs; a sarogate; adoption). I am almost eager just to know one way or another...do we adopt or keep trying?

One of my best, and wise I might add, girlfriends once said God does not put this kind of desire in your heart to go unfulfilled. I have faith that we will have children. I do not always have patience, as you read in my previous blog, but I definitely have faith that our efforts and His will soon will give us the family we so badly want!

Peed on a stick. Negative again.

This is getting old. Why do we keep trying? I'm so sick of this!!!! How much rejection can one person handle?

Shots

I started giving myself shots last Wednesday, and I have to say it's not that bad! No pain at all...just bloating and some emotions. When I got ready to give myself my first shot, I was actually going to let Luis give it to me. I freaked out when I realized there were more vials than necessary. I called my nurse on her cell. She didn't pick up, so I called the pharmacy and talked to the pharmacist. The other vials are for later...my "trigger shot"--close to insemination. So I continued nervously with my Follistim pen.

Follistim is a natural FSH (follicle stimulation hormone). It's kinda cool. It looks like a pen. You take off the cap, load the cartridge with meds, then attach a new needle to the end every time. I wind the other end to my dosage, poke my saddle bags, then push the end as if I'm clicking a real pen and I'm injected. I'm impressed with this at-home pen thing. It's really easy.

Anyway, Luis was all trained and ready to give me the shot, then at the last minute I decided to give it to myself. I did it! I switch sides every night until at least Thursday. I have an appointment then for an ultrasound to see if my follicles are reacting to the medicine. Thursday can't get here fast enough. That's when they should decide on which day we'll inseminate. I hope it works!!!!

Insemination Time!

After this weekend of the 4th, I'll start giving myself those nightly shots to prepare for insemination!!! Eeee! We're getting serious now. Assuming I ovulate and everything goes as planned, we'll get inseminated the week of 7/19. Please say prayers for us. The chances are 10-20%, so it might take a couple tries, but we're very excited to try this new approach--called an IUI. We're hopeful.

Waiting Game

I just ate 2 pieces of chocolate. One for each shot in the butt. Didn't ovulate again this month, so I was given shots of progesterone to get it going. I'll be on the pill for 1-2 months again, then will give myself nightly shots to get ready for an IUI.

I've had a hard couple of days. It's not always easy to stay positive, but the good days outweigh the bad and tomorrow is another day.

The bright side is that while on the pill for 2 months, the pressure is off. There's nothing we can do, so might as well drink beer, work out, and practice. Babies will be here before we know it. I just need to keep my emotions in check and my eye on the prize (?). Yeah that was weak.

The Dr. hurt me

As anticipated, the dr. hurt me today. I had my biopsy. It only took a few minutes, but it felt like an hour. Luis went with me this time. I held his thumb with a mighty grip as the dr. coached a "student" (?) dr. through it all. I was so happy to have Luis there!! The great thing about pain, is my brain forgets. That part is easy. 4 Advil later and I'm good, but the problem is the emotion it evokes. I'm getting tired of taking all these pills and getting poked. I told Luis, "I hope it's worth it." He acted hopeful for me and assured me it is.

Timed Endo Biopsy

So I've got another one of these timed endo biopsies planned for next Tuesday. What they call uncomfortable, I call pain. They take tissue from my uterus, analyze it, then compare the age of that tissue with the time that I start (HOPEFULLY I WON'T START!) to see if I'm ovulating. If I were up for a pitty party, I'd say something like, "What happened to good old fashioned sex? The oops factor? The surprise we're pregnant and we weren't even trying?" Not for us, unfortunately. This, however, is not my pitty party. This is my blog. Blog, blog, babies, babies. There. Done. Actually not even close. Just mentioning pitty party sends me into one. I'm losing hope at this point. It might be too early for one, but I'm sure a valuable defense mechanism none the less. It's probably time after 2+ years to get comfortable with the idea that we may never have children of our own. Perhaps God has a child out there already for us to adopt some day. I'm barely even tearing up as I write this...unusual for me when it comes to this topic. I need to accept this, and I guess today I am...accepting it.

Waiting

Okay, so maybe I didn't ovulate last month? Either way the doc gave me some pills to take to encourage it to happen this month. Monday I have a timed endo biopsy scheduled. Yay. Yes, that's sarcasm. Please keep me in your prayers. Having a down day.

Ovulation

I ovulated this month!!!!! Yahoo!!!!! I wasn't sure if this would happen. A friend of mine didn't ovulate for 4 months after getting off Lupron. Whew. This could be our month! ;o)

The Year of Threes

My birthday is coming up March 9th. I've been saying this is our year of threes. I'll be 33; Pino & I will be married 3 years; Petey will be 3 years old; and hopefully our family will grow into a family of 3!!!! Assuming everything goes right, we should ovulate the week of my birthday. Unfortunately Pino is traveling that week, so we'll just have to bookend that trip with some nookie. No complaints here except for the fact that I asked that he not travel that week...and...well...let's just say there's nothing we can do about that now.

So if you would please say a prayer for us that our year goes as God plans and that we are ready for all that He has to give us!!!!

If you Blog it, it will come!

Scratch that! I guess I just had to blog about the embarrassing situation and now...ladies and gentlemen, we have a cycle!

Aunt Flow, are you there? It's me, Michele!!!!

Ok, so no cycle yet. I've been on these damn pills for 4 weeks this coming Monday and no period yet. The placebo pills began 2 evenings ago and I'm still waiting!! My understanding is that not everyone bounces right back after that whole menopause business. The BCs and other pills are supposed to help with that. Call me crazy, but I was hopeful that I would be one of those who would bounce back. Maybe not this month. I still believe, though, that it WILL HAPPEN. It's only been 2 days. Please Lord, give me my period?

Baby Dream

Last night I had a baby dream. I started having baby dreams when Luis & I began trying for a child. I'd sleep and dream that I'm taking care of a baby, carrying one around, or just having one present in our daily lives. I haven't had one in months, then had one last night. It's probably not even worth mentioning, but feels really good for some reason.--As if the hope is back!

*A TOAST!*

I'd like to propose a toast! Please lift your coffee, water bottle, or champagne if you've got it. I've gone 24 hours with...wait for it...NO HOT FLASH!!! Yippee! Looks like the menopause demon really is gone. Thank God! So a toast to being regular old me. Sounds a little silly, doesn't it? I understand, but man it feels good to feel normal again.

Also I feel as if the pills are working (BCs & diabetic Rx). I have some cramping that leads me to believe the girls are waking up. My mood swings are fewer (among other symptoms). The mood swings aren't completely gone, but well that kinda is regular old me I guess ;o)

No More Menopause

Ok, y'all, a major step in our journey is finished...no more menopause! We went to our doctor's appointment this morning. After a little bit of waiting and an all too fun exam, the doctor told us there is no need for more shots! He said my hot flashes should go away in about a week. Yay! He is putting me on 2 months of birth control pills (BCs) as well as some diabetic medicine that is also supposed to get things going down there. I'll take them both at dinner time for 2 months. They expect my first period in 3 weeks!! Yippee! Did I just say that? Never thought I'd be happy to see aunt flow, but there you have it. I'm happy.

If everything works itself out the way it's supposed to, then we could start trying to get pregnant in March...the month of my birthday...and the dead center of tax season. If we're not pregnant by May, then they'll try something different. What that is, I'm not sure, but that's what they said.

I am so glad I went to see the specialist. I was dragging my feet for so long, even though Kristin kept telling me to move on to a specialist. Well we did and I'm ecstatic we're on the right track.

Thank you, Jesus!!!!